Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
3 2 1 whiskey
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
