I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Can Purell be used as lube?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
