I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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