I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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