That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
