so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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