um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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