so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
