3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
