While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
