I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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