My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
