I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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