well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
