I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Are my feet made of real feet?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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