I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
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