it's like iHOP with fire
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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