he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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