I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
