I'm gonna have a badass scar
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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