i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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