Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Randomize
