I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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