Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
