WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
