No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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