Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
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