I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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