i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
