Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
apparently the secret to your success is patron
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Randomize
