Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize