i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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