I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
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I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
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Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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