i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
