we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
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