trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
