my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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