Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
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For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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