When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
