They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
