i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
