i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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