We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
