considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
