i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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