I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?