Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
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She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
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Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.