I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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