I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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