new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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