I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
