he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
