I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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