Just fell off a train. Bad.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
