just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
This is classic penis vs brain.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
