Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
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