hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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